This month's Rumsfeld Award goes to the OSU Fan who asked, "Why are all these people in New York and Ferguson lying down in the street? Don't they know we made the playoffs?"
For those of you who are new to the Rumsfeld Award, the qualifications are: utter ignorance of the social condition accompanied by embarrassingly stupid behavior. The award, named in honor of Donald Rumsfeld, arguably the dumbest man ever to work as a U.S. public servant, is always appreciated by its recipient, because they're always too goddamn dumb to know that they're a joke.
This month's recipient, Baldy Spacklestein, aka "Fat Rick", was thrilled at the news of the recognition, gushing, "I almost s#@t my f@#king pants when I got the word. What a f#@king honor. Actually, it's more than a f#@king honor. It's more like a f#@king honor with some sort of f#@king honor exponent or something. Rummy was a great, great awesome, huge American, a really smart genius, a man who was comfortable among men, worthy of a place on the top of Mount Rushmore, a humble servant of few words, and to think that I am to receive this award, well, there just are not words in the place where words come from that allow me to use the words necessary to describe this honor in words."
To appreciate Fat Rick's honor, give brief pause to consider the idiotic Donald "Rummy" Rumsfeld. Rummy once said, "There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know." Yes, oh yes, words right from the old Rumster's pickled lips. Old Rummy was quite the prognosticator, too. In the days just before he helped to begin Cheney's war in Iraq, Rumsfeld predicted, "I can't tell you if the use of force in Iraq today will last five days, five weeks or five months, but it won't last any longer than that." Thank you Donald. The Iraq War is the single worst self-induced damage to U.S. interests in history. We have a trophy named in your dishonor, to be awarded each and every month to someone who is remarkably f@#king stupid.
When asked what he thought of Fat Rick being so honored, Ohio State football coach, Urban Myer, said, "We're just sick about the Papagorio kid or whatever his name was who shot himself in the dumpster. That really brought our team together in an awesome way. Can't wait to play the Tide. Go Buckeyes!"
Congratulations, Fat Rick! Those people lying down in the street just don't understand what's up.