POLITIFORMERS: More than meets the pie!
[ Part I - II - III - IV - V - VI ]
Little did you know, but many of our most prominent politicians are actually super-powerful robots, hiding in our midst. This series profiles the Politiformers in the first decade of the new millennium, the Republicons and the Demobots.
Here in Part I be the Republicons who led the charge into war with Planet Iraq. Well, the purely rhetorical part of the charge, that is. Know them well:
REPUBLICONS
Decepticans, whatever—you don't even really have to change the name.
Shockrove
FUNCTION: WHITE HOUSE DEPUTY CHIEF OF STAFF “We're history's actors… and you, all of you, will be left to just study what we do.”
With laser gun focus, he perpetually mans the controls and tries to keep the mighty Wurlitzer running. "The fools I have to work with," he grumbles, as he stares with that beady eye. Just don't watch his attempt at rap; you'll forever be scarred by his stiff-jointed performance, no joke. (Why did you watch that? I warned you!) When he's not turning puny worker robots into slag, apparently he collects stamps, or something.
Soundwell
FUNCTION: SECRETARY OF STATE ”You break it, you own it.”
Loyal, versatile, and highly proficient, he always follows orders to a “T,” especially when it comes to misinformation and cover-ups. Heck, he's a tape recorder, and one who learned from Nixon's mistakes. He commands major respect from some Demobots despite the kind of robots he chooses to take orders from. What the hey; when he transforms, conservation of mass seems not to apply to him either.
Kickfeld
FUNCTION: SECRETARY OF DEFENSE “I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty.”
"We must feed (must feed) the empire (the empire)! People are suffering as a consequence, you say? This whole thing might be worse than for naught, you contend? Do you know that that’s known, know that that’s unknown, or not know that that’s unknown (unknown)? Besides, too bad, stuff happens (stuff happens)." Uh… say what? Fancies himself some kind of philosophical intellectual, but really he's just got bugs for brains.
Scourgie
FUNCTION: WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY “The President's views have been very—have been made very clear. Go ahead.”
Trepidatious and cowardly, he only acts forcefully after he's sure he's safe. C'mon, Scourgie, give it up already, we all know your heart's not really in it! To be sure, that aspect does lend him a certain entertaining air, which makes him our favorite among the otherwise interchangeable Republicon Press Sweepretaries.
Neoconstructicons
FUNCTION: ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS “I think, in this case, international law stood in the way of doing the right thing.”
Long-range planners, they keep trying to form ShockastatAwe and blatantly crush another unfortunate civilization, but they haven't quite gotten the band back together since 2003.
Thunderleezza
FUNCTION: NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR, SECRETARY OF STATE “We don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud.”
Everything is always like the Cold War with the planet Russia; it's what she knows best. Reserved unless provoked, she works behind the scenes. Pity the robot on the receiving end of her stare of death.
Wumble
FUNCTION: PRESIDENT “They hate our freedoms.”
Pipsqueak punk just likes to break stuff. Yeah, sure, he'll tell you that he's bringing about a "peeance, freeance secure planet Iraq." Gee, that's deep.
Megadick
FUNCTION: VICE PRESIDENT “So?”
His ruthlessness and cunning, combined with his insatiable thirst for energy resources and the eagerness with which he employs destructive force, put him atop the Republicon dogpile. When you're all gun and no heart... Actually, scratch that, even implanting a live, beating heart didn't help. He is so powerful and feared that, when he personally blasted a fellow Republicon in the face, the associate apologized to him. Let's just hope he doesn't get reincarnated as Galvadick. [shudder]
